Today I have an appointment to have an EKG.  Rather happy to have my heart checked out since I know that the chemo does damage, just having to deal with getting there and getting it done without turning into a nervous wreck.

Company or not

I have a friend that offered to come yesterday and I haven’t heard from her today, so perhaps she has something else to do.  I shouldn’t feel like I need company to go and get something as non-invasive as an EKG.  It’s basically an ultra sound on my heart.   No big deal, so what’s the problem.  It’s not the procedure, but rather walking into the place.


I wouldn’t have thought that it was possible but I believe that after all that I have been through that I am suffering Post Traumatic Stress Disorder every time that I go near a hospital.  I know that I suffered it every time that I was going to the cancer center for infusions but I think that it is beyond that.   I know that the stress that I am feeling is based on my past experiences not the present circumstances; but it’s the perception in our minds that makes us either happy or sad, stressed or laid back.

Calming Vibes

Trying to think of how I can get myself firstly in the car to head down to the hospital and secondly how I can get myself in there for the procedure.  It’s going to take a bunch of positive thinking and some great visualizations to get me there.  When I was gearing myself to get into the cancer center I sat in the car and thought of all of the energies of the strong women that I know and admire.  I imagined a vortex of energy swirling from above and coming into me.  I imagined that I took on the shape of Angelina Jolie in Salt and that I had Jamie Fraser from Outlander on my arm. It got me in the door every time!

Star Athlete

Today perhaps I will visualize myself as a star athlete that needs to get their heart tested. That way perhaps my victim/patient mentality won’t take over.  I think that’s what it is; every time I walk in a hospital it reminds me that I have cancer and that I am a patient of the system, something I never wanted to be.  It’s all perception isn’t it?


Another method that I am going to use today to get myself inside the hospital walls is to think about how grateful I am that we have this diagnostic equipment available to us.  I don’t agree with many aspects of our health care system and I am severely opposed to the way cancer is handled in the medical system; but I am grateful that we have advanced in technology and are able to do the diagnostics.

Getting Further Away 

The truth of the matter is that the more time that passes the better I feel.  I believe that some day I will not be going through this in order to walk into a hospital.  Would I feel this way if I was going to see someone’s new born baby?  Time does heal all wounds and I do believe that some day I may get over this.  I will keep trying and will incorporate all the tools that I have in order to do so.  Meanwhile, I’ll try to rearrange my head space with this mantra- star athlete – star athlete – star athlete – star athlete.  Hope it works!!!!!!