sad-516702_1280Ports of entry

Tomorrow at 12:00 noon I am destined for a surgery to remove my port-a-cath.  It was installed last September just after I started chemo.  It has worked well and saved my veins from the damage of the toxic drugs.   I won’t miss seeing this thing sticking out of my upper chest wall.  When they installed it the operation took just over an hour and I was put out.  Tomorrow I’m awake during the operation, and awakening my faith rather than my fear.

Breathing through it

I am hoping that all my hours and practice of meditation will come into play tomorrow.  After all this is the reason that we practice meditation, to bring it into our lives when we need it the most.  I am trying to look at this as a way of testing my meditative powers.  What better test could there be?  It’s easy to feel powerful, aware, and tuned in when the universe is going right, but how about when it’s not.  When our nerves are shattered, our emotions are high, are thoughts are scattered; this is when we need to be able to bring our minds into focus and direct our breath to calm us.

No Practice

There is no dress rehearsal for our times of stress and angst in our lives.  The stress appears  and we deal with it. Sometimes better than others.  Sometimes thinking about a stressful situation only makes it more stressful since our minds work against us and think of all the negative aspects of any situation.  I am practiced in breathing.  I am practiced at meditation, but I am also practiced at being stressed and nervous.  Which one will be greater when I am faced with tomorrow?

Being present with Stress

I have no doubt that my stress level will be high tomorrow.  I suppose that that is normal for anyone going into an operation that involves being awake for it.  My goal tomorrow is to stay present in my body and to stay present with my breath.  It will be a lot like walking a tight rope tomorrow, knowing that if I start to panic that I’ll be thrown off.  I’m trying to remind myself that this operation is one that the doctor has done several times, and that it’s only new to me not him.

Getting Further Away From It

As nervous as I am about tomorrow, I am also relieved.  I am relieved that I finally get to get this port-a-cath out forever.  I am relieved that they are not telling me that I have to keep it in case I need more medicine.  I am relieved that getting this out puts me that much closer to closure on this whole journey.  I don’t know if there will ever be closure on this of course, since I will forever have the shadow of cancer following me through my days, but at least I won’t have to look in the mirror and see this thing poking out of my chest reminding me everyday of what I’ve been through.  Sometimes getting further away from something means running into it head on first.  That’s what I’m doing tomorrow, running on faith right past fear.